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Literature Text
Ring.
Fredrick moaned. His damn head won't shut up long enough to let him sleep.
Ring cracking his eye lids a hair, the phone was buzzing. Well that's a relief for his sanity, he thought. Who calls someone at; he rolled over to watch the digital clock read something after "E". wait that's not right. Was that a three?
Ring He didn't have time to reconsider, let's get this over with Fredrick sluggishly got up to answer the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey Dad," replied the phone.
"Damn Peter, its three A.M what the hell is this about?" Fredrick scowled.
"I just called to say hey." Hey really? I'd rather have some good old fashion shut eye.
"Twelve years and you call to say hey? Peter-"
"Estimated collision time; one minute." A computer droned
"What was that? Peter what are you doing?" Fredrick was shaking his head. It was still too early to wrap his head around the phone call.
"My job. Listen I just wanted to say I'm sorry, for the car, for the summer of 2881, for running away. I'm so sorry. I miss you" Peter was crying at this point.
"Peter, I'm glad you're apologizing, but this really isn't the time." Wait why would he be apologizing? He's station at the Dallas airport. Isn't he? Curse that last glass.
"I know, I just wanted you to know."
"Well okay, is that all" His father replied looking longingly to his empty bed. "Dad, are you serious? Isn't there anything you want to apologize for?" why do I need to apologize for anything? Fredrick thought, Peter the one with no sense of timing. Who can't control his own emotions? Fredrick remembered why Peter was his least favorite son. Yet something rang true. Fredrick sighed. "Well, I guess I wasn't the fatherly figure."
"You guess?" the son yelled in the cockpit. Alarms were going off, high pitch low pitch low pitch, wait a minute isn't that missile? Or was that for deadly flight altitude. "Dad I don't have time for-"
"Estimated collision time; 30 seconds." The monotone voice cut in.
"Peter, tell me what the hell is going on." Fredrick was out of bed, carefully avoiding empty bottles to get to a chair.
The father and son shared a moment of silence; the phone recorded the instruments going haywire in the cockpit, his father booming breaths and son desperately trying to keep it together.
"Estimated collision time fifteen seconds"
"Dad" the son choked.
This sobered him up real quick. It should have tipped him off that flights don't leave at three A.M unless for a crisis. The computer constant reminder of doomsday. His own son's last confessions telling Fredrick that he wasn't coming back from the airport. His son was trying to save his country from some unknown satanic device. His was trying to make his father proud. His inebriated, opprobrious, imbecilic, father proud.
"Look Peter, I'm sorry too, for not being there, for being a jerk for everything. I just want to see you again." Fredrick was rushing, listening to the countdown going on in the cockpit. Trying to hopelessly hang on to this moment.
"Me too, I love you Da-"
"Collision impacted" the computer informed moments before destruction. The plane ripped itself apart after impact. The missile was merciless, everything was reduced to rubble.
The phone line fizzled out and died to an error tone. Fredrick sat in the dark tears streaming down his face.
"I love you too, Son."
Fredrick moaned. His damn head won't shut up long enough to let him sleep.
Ring cracking his eye lids a hair, the phone was buzzing. Well that's a relief for his sanity, he thought. Who calls someone at; he rolled over to watch the digital clock read something after "E". wait that's not right. Was that a three?
Ring He didn't have time to reconsider, let's get this over with Fredrick sluggishly got up to answer the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey Dad," replied the phone.
"Damn Peter, its three A.M what the hell is this about?" Fredrick scowled.
"I just called to say hey." Hey really? I'd rather have some good old fashion shut eye.
"Twelve years and you call to say hey? Peter-"
"Estimated collision time; one minute." A computer droned
"What was that? Peter what are you doing?" Fredrick was shaking his head. It was still too early to wrap his head around the phone call.
"My job. Listen I just wanted to say I'm sorry, for the car, for the summer of 2881, for running away. I'm so sorry. I miss you" Peter was crying at this point.
"Peter, I'm glad you're apologizing, but this really isn't the time." Wait why would he be apologizing? He's station at the Dallas airport. Isn't he? Curse that last glass.
"I know, I just wanted you to know."
"Well okay, is that all" His father replied looking longingly to his empty bed. "Dad, are you serious? Isn't there anything you want to apologize for?" why do I need to apologize for anything? Fredrick thought, Peter the one with no sense of timing. Who can't control his own emotions? Fredrick remembered why Peter was his least favorite son. Yet something rang true. Fredrick sighed. "Well, I guess I wasn't the fatherly figure."
"You guess?" the son yelled in the cockpit. Alarms were going off, high pitch low pitch low pitch, wait a minute isn't that missile? Or was that for deadly flight altitude. "Dad I don't have time for-"
"Estimated collision time; 30 seconds." The monotone voice cut in.
"Peter, tell me what the hell is going on." Fredrick was out of bed, carefully avoiding empty bottles to get to a chair.
The father and son shared a moment of silence; the phone recorded the instruments going haywire in the cockpit, his father booming breaths and son desperately trying to keep it together.
"Estimated collision time fifteen seconds"
"Dad" the son choked.
This sobered him up real quick. It should have tipped him off that flights don't leave at three A.M unless for a crisis. The computer constant reminder of doomsday. His own son's last confessions telling Fredrick that he wasn't coming back from the airport. His son was trying to save his country from some unknown satanic device. His was trying to make his father proud. His inebriated, opprobrious, imbecilic, father proud.
"Look Peter, I'm sorry too, for not being there, for being a jerk for everything. I just want to see you again." Fredrick was rushing, listening to the countdown going on in the cockpit. Trying to hopelessly hang on to this moment.
"Me too, I love you Da-"
"Collision impacted" the computer informed moments before destruction. The plane ripped itself apart after impact. The missile was merciless, everything was reduced to rubble.
The phone line fizzled out and died to an error tone. Fredrick sat in the dark tears streaming down his face.
"I love you too, Son."
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Comments6
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I think the piece is very good, although the only alterations I would suggest would be that he wasn't called "Jesus", I don't know why but it seems out of sync with the rest of the story, and the only other word being "teared", perhaps instead of that you could use tore.
Other than that I would say the piece was quite emotionally moving, and gives a bleak outlook into the pairs ruined relationship; I am very curious as to the nature of the piece, what the pilot is doing etc.
My final point would be this-
"Well okay, is that all" His father replied looking longingly to his empty bed, and the half-empty scotch on the night stand.
The farther has already heard the countdown by this point, and although it shows his deep uncaring for his son; that rapidly changes upon hearing the countdown again, moments later, so I would only say that this part is not consistent with the rest of the piece.
Well as I said at the start; a very good piece, and I can only hope this criticism can help you and it develop more.
Other than that I would say the piece was quite emotionally moving, and gives a bleak outlook into the pairs ruined relationship; I am very curious as to the nature of the piece, what the pilot is doing etc.
My final point would be this-
"Well okay, is that all" His father replied looking longingly to his empty bed, and the half-empty scotch on the night stand.
The farther has already heard the countdown by this point, and although it shows his deep uncaring for his son; that rapidly changes upon hearing the countdown again, moments later, so I would only say that this part is not consistent with the rest of the piece.
Well as I said at the start; a very good piece, and I can only hope this criticism can help you and it develop more.